Where do we go from here?
by gleefulgirl
Summary: A little insight into the mind and thoughts of Rachel Berry. I do not own glee or any of the characters.


**Hi..here's a little insight into Rachel Berry's mind..i dnt really know why i wrote this..but just wanted to put it here..hope you like it anyway!**

**Where do we go from here?**

She hates it. Absolutely _abhors_ the way he makes her feel. How the slightest touch of his skin against hers sends shivers down her spine and brings warmth to her chest, all at the same time. And it irritates her that she has no control over her hormonally driven teenage body. She hates that she misses his snide remarks when he isn't around. She hates the way she envies Lauren sometimes. She doesn't know if she has the right to. She hates how her eyes try to spot him in the crowded hallway. She hates that her insides tickle when she does. Hates it more that her lungs forget to breathe when she feels his eyes on her or when he sends that smirk her way, letting her know he didn't miss the reddening of her ears.

She hates it because she isn't supposed to feel all these things. She's still in love with Finn. She knows it for a fact. Because that is how it will always be. How it should be. The power of first love is not something that fades away so quickly. There's a reason why the best of the songs ever sung glorify it and a reason why 90% of her ipod tunes are dedicated to it (the other 10% help remind her that life still goes on without the first love).

And although people may complain it's complicated, she finds love rather simple to comprehend. When you find the person you're looking for, you love them with every fibre of your being. No questions asked. But understanding love doesn't mean she never fails at it. She fails terribly most of the times. And if loving was one of their test subjects, she doubts she'd ever graduate. It takes a selfless heart to love unconditionally and she wonders if her heart will ever be capable of that. If anyone's is. But still, if you try really hard and get past all the doubts and jealousy and misery, love is simple. Painful, impatient, humiliating. But simple, nevertheless.

What she _doesn't_ understand is why she feels this undeniable pull towards that other boy. It's insane how she can't stop her feet from running to him when she needs assistance in her plans. Or how she can't make her lips not stretch into a smile even when he's coming up with crude ideas that she'd never entertain coming from anyone else. Or the way she can't take her eyes off of him when he sings with her, even though it means losing the purpose of the whole 'Making Finn jealous' plan that she had so carefully sketched out. Or the way her body leans into his without her permission whenever they are together.

It's insane because this is the same boy who used to slushie her religiously every other day. The same boy who threw pee balloons on her house, who helped the cheerios spread rumors questioning her womanhood, the one who devoted himself to making her life hell since middle school, and the first one to make her cry at the tender age of seven, when he had glued her hair, which had later resulted in her wearing a cap for the rest of the school year and the teasing that had followed.

But it was also the same boy who had sincerely apologized to her for all those corn syrup facials. The same boy who willingly came to her house on a single phone call, whenever she asked, the one who was not ashamed to walk with her, arms linked, in the school hallway, who was willing to give up his social status just to be with her. And the one to shave off his own head so that she didn't have to be the only one with short hair after the glue accident, although they were never really friends.

Over the past year and a half, she's seen him grow. And she'd be lying if she said she's not proud of him. She is too proud for words. They are friends now (shockingly) and she thinks that she atleast has the right to that. And she's grateful for the friendship she's found in the most unlikely of people. And she doesn't want to ruin it.

She sees him walking into the choir room, Lauren by his side, while she's discussing their song choice for Nationals with Mercedes. And it's unfair how her heart flutters when their eyes meet and he smiles at her. It doesn't help when they are paired together and he holds her tighter than any other couple during one of the dance steps, which makes her realise that maybe they are both on the same page.

But she is in love with Finn for now and she likes it that way. She is loyal in her own way. And whatever she has for this mohawked boy is way too complicated for her to handle. So she takes it without any questions asked most of the times.

Rachel Berry is not a person of regrets. But sometimes, just sometimes, when it's dark at night and she's sure no one can hear her thoughts, she wonders what her life would have been if she had never let Noah Puckerman go...

-xoxoxoxoxox-

hope you enjoyed reading it..please review and let me know..thanks!


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